Healing the Lens – How Parental Projections Shape Our Relationships

The Patterns We Inherit

Carl Jung once taught that we carry the imprint of our earliest relationships into every new one. The way we saw our mother and father becomes the lens through which we see all men and women.

If we had a challenging relationship with our parents, we often project that unresolved energy onto others—friends, intimate partners, and even business relationships.

It’s a subconscious pattern that plays out until we choose to become aware of it.

The Emotional Blind Spot of a Generation

I had a challenging relationship with my father. And like many in Gen X, I believe much of it stemmed from the emotional climate Baby Boomer parents were raised in—where expressing feelings wasn’t a priority.

For the longest time, I saw my dad through a lens shaped by that unresolved tension. I perceived him as a bully, aggressive, impatient, and narcissistic.

That was my experience, and it shaped how I showed up in the world. Whether or not it was accurate didn’t matter. It was real for me.

Attracting the Familiar

From high school to university and into the professional world, I consistently found myself surrounded by alpha males, forceful, untrustworthy, and domineering. One of them helped me go bankrupt in my Primi piatti days.

I couldn’t understand why I kept attracting the same kind of man into my life. It became a pattern I couldn’t ignore.

The Power of Reconciliation

Three years ago, that all changed.

My father and I reconciled. I had done the internal work, and I finally released him from the expectations I had placed on him. I began to see him not as a failed ideal, but as a human, flawed and evolving, just like me.

At 50, I’ve come to realize we’re all just navigating life the best we can. Expecting perfection from our parents is not only unrealistic, but it’s a burden they never asked to carry.

Releasing the Lens

Letting go of those expectations freed me and transformed my relationships. The kind of masculine energy I now invite into my life feels completely different.

I’ve found myself forming deep friendships with older men, something I’d always subconsciously longed for.

I just spent a few days in Switzerland with a 65-year-old friend and mentor, someone I respect and can learn from.

At a recent event with Zach Bush, I met Matt, a vibrant 75-year-old with a sharp mind and an open heart.

Rewrite the Narrative

The shift is profound.

Healing our parental relationships, whether directly or through internal work, reshapes the way we connect with the world.

When we let go of our past projections, we make space for new, healthier dynamics to emerge.

The world doesn’t need to change for us to feel free. We simply need to shift the lens we’re using to look at it.

Note: This blog post is an adaptation of the transcript from the video below.