The Skill of Friendship

I read an essay by David White on the skill of friendship. After reading it, I found my ideas on friendship and community being challenged.

Key Takeaways

• Friendship is about witnessing, not perfection.

• Convenience undermines true community.

• Community requires discomfort and tolerance. Embracing the Gray: A New Perspective on Managing Relationships

• Boundaries may need rethinking when building a genuine connection.

Witnessing Each Other

What really stood out for me was the point of a friendship, to be a witness to the person. Not to grow with them, not to ungrow with them, but to witness them and for them to witness you.

It got me thinking that I’ve ended friendships because I got irritated or frustrated by certain things they did, and I was expecting perfection. I wasn’t really looking for friendship.

I see how parental projections shape how we witness and are witnessed by others — Healing the Lens: How Parental Projections Shape Our Relationships.

Convenience vs Community

I saw another quote: “Convenience is the opposite of community.” In other words, if you’re only looking for convenience, which most of us have started to do in our lives, because really that’s kind of what we think luxury is in many ways. You realize that because you prioritise convenience, community can’t really build because community is uncomfortable.

You often have to do things you don’t like. You have to put up with other perspectives, and you’ve got to work with them, whereas when you look for a space of convenience, those things become irritations rather than formations of community.

True community requires us to step outside our comfort zones and be willing to engage with people in meaningful, if sometimes challenging, ways, which often involves learning forgiveness and letting go of past grievances (Finding Forgiveness: Freeing Yourself From the Past to Create the Future).

Rethinking Boundaries

And both these ideas around friendship, the witnessing and the being witnessed and that community requires uncomfortability, have really got me to think about the idea of boundaries very differently. Because we’ve been taught to stand up for ourselves and have boundaries and be clear about the people that you want to engage with and the energy and the frequency and all that sort of stuff, and then when they fall off, that’s the boundary.

But now I’m realizing that building community and friendship is a lot more about being a witness. Such a different way of perceiving it and such an amazing way to think about developing community and realizing that it’s hard work. It’s not easy.

FAQ

What is the key to true friendship?

True friendship is not perfection, but rather the act of witnessing each other. Friendship is about being present and accepting the other person, not trying to change or “fix” them.

How does convenience undermine community?

When we prioritise convenience and comfort, we become less tolerant of the discomfort and differing perspectives that are necessary to build genuine community. True community requires us to step outside our comfort zones and be willing to engage with people in meaningful, if sometimes challenging, ways.

Why is it important to rethink boundaries when building community?

The traditional notion of rigid personal boundaries may need to be reconsidered when trying to develop deeper connections and community. Being overly protective of our boundaries can prevent us from being vulnerable and witnessing each other in the way that fosters true friendship and belonging.

Summary

Building friendship and community is less about perfection, convenience, and rigid boundaries, and more about witnessing, patience, and the willingness to embrace discomfort. Take some time to reflect on your own relationships and consider how you can apply these lessons to deepen your sense of community and connection.

Note: This blog post is an adaptation of the transcript from the video below.