What Makes Us Move Away From Certain People?

Why We Drift from Certain People

I’ve been wondering for the longest time what makes us move away from certain people? You have friendships and connections, and at times you’re very close, and at other times you find yourself drifting. And I’ve always found this puzzling because it’s happened to me a lot in my life, and I’ve realized that it’s got all to do with values.

What Are Values?

We often think about values as honesty and integrity, and these other things that everybody claims are it. Every company is full of integrity, full of partnership. It’s the same. Nobody really does it. They’re all rubbish.

Who You Hero Worship Reveals Your Values

Values are best seen by who you hero worship. Whoever you are looking up to, looking for inspiration from, or thinking about is who you really value as a directive or a set of priorities. Now, some people value people with lots of money. And a lot of people in the world do that, unfortunately.

And when it comes to the idea of money, you can see the people who are valuing that are also driving and striving to achieve that. And then you get some people who are enamoured by power, even gangster power, and those people are continuously looking up to them and looking for approval from that sort of gangster energy and that value.

The Gap Between Material and Immaterial Values

But the one that always catches me is the one difference between material and immaterial. When you are focused on the constant need for more material, your values are linked to extrinsic ideas. And when you’re looking at immaterial values, you’re much more focused on peace and on the need for that state of calm to live your life.

The problem with extrinsic values is that you never actually arrive. There’s always somebody bigger, better, sharper, faster than you’re aiming to be.

Arriving Through Intrinsic Values

Intrinsic value is when you start to look at things in a much different way, where just by prioritising the intrinsic value, you arrive. It’s that difference that keeps putting me away from certain people in my life. Who they are looking up to, I don’t look up to. And there’s nothing wrong with it.

Why Do We Choose Who We Stay Close To?

But that difference and understanding that difference has allowed me to make peace with why I don’t want to hang around those people. I don’t have any disrespect for them, but I don’t have any respect for what they value.

And that’s the difference between people that you want to hang around with and people you don’t want to hang around with.

FAQ: Understanding Why We Drift from Certain People

Q: What are the key factors that cause us to move away from certain people?

A: The main factors that drive us to drift from certain people are differences in our core values and what we prioritise. If we don’t align with the people, ideals, and behaviours that someone else values, it can create a disconnect that leads to growing apart.

Q: How can we identify our own values?

A: One of the best ways to identify your values is to pay attention to who you “hero worship” or look up to for inspiration. The people, organisations, or ideas that you admire the most often reflect your underlying priorities and belief system.

Q: What is the difference between extrinsic and intrinsic values?

A: Extrinsic values focus on external, material measures of success, such as wealth, power, and status. Intrinsic values are more internally driven and centred on things like peace, purpose, and personal growth. People who prioritise extrinsic values often struggle to find true fulfilment.

Q: How can understanding values help us choose better relationships?

A: Recognising the gap between your values and someone else’s can help explain why you may be drifting apart, even if you once felt very close. Making an effort to surround yourself with people who share your core intrinsic values can lead to more meaningful, lasting connections.

Key Takeaways

• Our values, as reflected in who we admire and look up to, are a key driver of our relationships

• Extrinsic values focused on material success often lead to a never-ending pursuit, while intrinsic values bring a sense of fulfilment

• Understanding the difference in values can help us make peace with drifting apart from certain people and choose better relationships moving forward

Note: This blog post is an adaptation of the transcript from the video below.